sick of being sick and tired...

Even though I have been unwell for 3 years now, I am trying to learn something from it all. I refuse to be in the worst situation and not come out on top of it. I have days where I am strong and where I feel as if I can take on another day of unexpected challenges. Then there are days like today, where I'm fed up and just really have had enough of being sick. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I try to have some existential comfort that I'm going through this for a reason.
I have been pondering with that realization for days. Do we as people at a certain tipping point start to aborb that 'self-help mantra' bullshit? I wonder if we as humans are just unable to accept that crap happens and that life is not fair. Or do the strong ones cope with injesting psychological hopeful babble? I know that a lot of my will to get better and to continue to have 'hope' that I will recover comes from personal character. I refuse to believe that this is 'it' for me.
I am deeply replused by how many health care professionals tell me that me being sick will help me become a 'better and more sympathetic mom'. Those comments baffle me. You would think that one could try to obtain a more constructive hopeful uttering to a sick person. Nothing makes me more replused at the idea of recovering from CFS and then happily being able to clean a shitty diaper and be more sympathetic about how 'Timmy scraped his knee'. When I get better, breeding will not be the first thing on my mind. I hope that if I ever get into healthcare, I will be able to tell other young women.... things like 'you being sick will help you create better health care policy'... Or - 'you will be the next trailblazer to help propel the CFS movement into the public'.
I can make one promise about this 'experience', is that I refuse to let it make me the forever 'sick gurl'. I hate that label. Yet at the same time I have to wear that name tag, because I am sick. I am sick, but I can't let that get into my head to much. I have to remain optimistic that I will get better. I focus a lot on visions of myself. I have a vision lately of me sitting on a dock with a laptop doing my work. I dream of running a 5k race and wearing a shirt that says 'I have CFS and I can do it'.
My counselor was worried that perhaps using 'fighter or fighting terminology' might not be of constructive use. I personally think its a great analogy. Every day I am a fighter. I fight a different fight. Some days its to remain optimistic and go for a round of 24hrs of battling aches, pain and tiredness. Other days its to accept that I have to work at reducing negative habits. I like to envision fighters, because of the fact that a fighter is always in training waiting for that victorious fight. This vision of a fighter is important to me.... and because fighters are cute like Rich Franklin, George St. Pierre etc.... :)
I also seek a lot of solace in my dreams. My dreams are vivid, wild, adventurious and crazy. I love the fact that no matter how tough it gets in this world, I can turn off the lights and be absorbed in another world where I am not sick. Dreams help, because I cannot remember being well. I have no recollection of what it was like.... and this scares me. But - upon this realization today I know that tonight I can go to bed and curl up and I am a strong woman running with my old self. I am a new person but am nightly reunited with my old self. She is still there... when those dreams stop thats when I will worry.
I am also going to get a tattoo this month. I am getting 'hope' tattooed on my right wrist. This has been an important word that I have been using every day. It means so much to me this word. No matter how tough things get I shed a few tears and go back to hoping some more. Originally I was thinking about getting 'strength', but then I realized that with this journey you do not need 'strength' you just need hope. At my final sessions of management classes this word was uttered among all of us that 'hope is necessary'.
Love has also been an invaluable asset to getting well. I am showered with constant love from A-dog. He is my best friend and boyfriend. I have never met a more nice or kind person. His patience is something that even I wonder if its humanly possible to be that consistently patient. He makes me laugh in even the most difficult and demoralizing situations that CFS has put me in. He has shown me the importance of love and laughter. I often wonder how I would be in his shoes dealing with a sick partner for 2 years. He loves me with my illnesses. So - no matter how bad things get he is always there for me. I also like how he tells it like it is...plus the obvious factor about having a cute, intelligent and attractiver partner always helps get the blood flowing :)
This summer I will be unable to work. But, I am trying to consider some activites that I can do to help break my day up. I am interested in growing my own flower boxes in my backyard. I'd also like to grow myself a herb garden. I am also saving up for a laptop of some kind...so I can get out of my dreary basement apartment and get outside to do some writing. (lol - this is just a dream).
But, I refuse to let CFS beat me down. I will not come out this without helping another person. This is what keeps me centered and focused...the fact that my experiences will be used to help one person. If I can do that... then I will be very happy.

take care - to well being and happiness...

bring it on bitch...

Finally, I can write about exercising! Oh exercise how I have missed you!! This past week has been wonderful. My body has allowed me to exercise, which has been an absolute pleasure. I am now not working out against my body, I am working out with my body. This is a very important distinction.
Saturday I headed back to boxing after weeks of couch loving. It felt nice to punch the crap out a heavy bag. FACK... I love hitting things! lol. I thought that I would die at the end of class...HOWEVER.. I survived! I loved it soooooo much! Tonight I took my first competitive class. I loved every second of it. Personally this accomplishment was huge. I feel quite priviledged that my body is capable of withstanding a two hour class at a high intensity. Its funny how I used to take that for granted. Luckily, I have an amazing instructor. Tonight we were asked why we were boxing. I said, because I want to get my aggression out and I want to hit someone. It was completely truthful. By no means am I violent person. I am more likely to be a bitchy person.. haha
Sunday, I had the pleasure to assist with Mistress Sunday with dear Dr.K and Machine. I was invited to assist in teaching squats, push ups and burpee's. It was very fun to see a whole bunch of women who were dedicated to improving their level of fitness. I also really enjoyed how the fitness training was catered to all different activity levels and how the equipment used could be bought and made on a low income. I really enjoyed how these exercises were accessible and adaptable to lifestyle and skill. The best part by far for me was pushing my first car! Pls enjoy.
I am back to fueling my body with good foods and treating it well.

Gnight

Help found

This week was a phenomenal week. A huge weight was lifted off my chest...it was only then that I realized that I had been carrying it around. I often think things happen for a reason. For instance, had I not had coffee with a family friend by accident, I would never have been given a source who could point me in the right direction of receiving some help.
My first appointment was met with some nerves...I am not too sure if that was because of me going with my mom or whether I was apprehensive about what would go on. I tend to arm myself with a pad of paper, a good ear and an invisible shield each time I go to appointments. Appointments go well if I don't cry during or after. For some reason, when I explain what I went through with endo and cfs that seems to make tears surface. I have worked towards just telling them and not thinking too much about it. If I don't cry, I feel quite proud. I don't know whether or not that is a good thing or a bad thing. However, this was my first appointment that I didn't cry during.
This was my first appointment with a naturopath. Years ago, I was an over trusting twit about medicine and would have listened to the doctor as if they were giving advice on how to find the holy grail. Now, after been turned away, poked, prodded and now better educated about the biomedical situation, I have a better understanding of the 'healing process'. The appointment seemed to peel of layers of uncertainty and made me believe that I can truly get better with her help. This naturopath works jointly with a cfs specialist doctor... they are both trained at Harvard and are involved in a lot activism for disability and cfs. These are good things. My OLD misconception about naturopaths were that they are 'alternative', quacks, and ppl who paid thirty bucks for a diploma. (*very wrong assumption*). Quite frankly, I know that I am in truly good hands.
I will be taking a class every other week taught by my naturopath and specialist that will help cfs suffers learn to cope and and do self care for themselves. Today, I stumbled across some cfs products.. and one of them was a 'Fuck Fatigue' t-shirt... maybe I should wear that for the first class. haha. I can only imagine what this group would be like. I know that since my memory is shot lately, I'll forget everyone's names in minutes. At least this is the first class that if you fall asleep in they won't get mad at you. I start on Friday. I am actually looking forward to meeting some other ppl. I think it will be very helpful!! I might make a friend who understands that late nights are a no-no.
I met a very sweet angel who runs her own supplement store. She is a patient of my naturopath and totally understoods how this process can be overwhelming. She was kind, caring and made me feel totally at ease. She was so helpful that I'm actually looking forward to going back.
So this week, its been documentation week. I've had to write everything from what I eat to how I feel. I went away this weekend with bags of my supplements and schedule. Its the beginning of a long journey. But, I know that there is an end in sight. I am starting school tomorrow. I am slightly down that this year will not be my last like my friends. However, I understand that I did the best with the situation that was presented to me. I just hope that this year is a good one. I really want to do well again and am hoping for a healthy year ahead. These two years have taught me a lot about the importance of compassion and the ability to look at people's situations... in that what doesn't meet the eye isn't the first thing you should look for.
Tomorrow, I am going to the GYM!! That's right... my Ipod mini *bicep* is packed with tunes and ready for me to hit the gym! I can't wait to hold a dumbbell, squat bar... I'm pumped!!

MIA?

I apologize for the massive hiatus that I have been on for a couple of months. I will be re-starting fit-bitch full time in September. I have spent the summer working, studying, sleeping and hanging out. I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer with all the fun activities that I have been up to on the weekend!
I have been absent from blogging, because I haven't been able to do anything 'fit' and had no energy to waste on being a 'bitch'. The health goddess has thrown a curve in my journey from healing last year. I have been officially diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome . It hit me hard this summer. However, when you put it in perspective I am very lucky...it could be much worse. I am able to enjoy so many other factors of life, but it is now condensed. A-Dog now calls me 'sleeping beauty'. I often have wondered why I was given such a challenge right after I have recovered from my bad bout of endometriosis. Nevertheless, I was able to manage with it last year. I was able to organize the majority of my activities around it. The summer brought a challenge because of my full time job and school. I cannot complain to much, because I was still able to carry out my job. It just became extremely hard to cope with for awhile. But, being negative won't make things better. I am lucky to have something that just makes me weak and ache...plus who doesn't like extra long naps? ha
The upside to it is that it has made me put my life in a major list of priority and a not fucking worth it list. In many ways cfs is a gift that has been presented to me, because with an A-type personality I am sure that down the line I would have a burnout so it is a good skill to learn how to manage those lists now. It has also pushed me more to pursue health studies in school as a post-graduate level.
The negative side of it is that I have been wandering in circles trying to get some medical attention. I have meanwhile read every fucking readers digest, people and 1984 Time magazine...so I'm all caught up in that area. My gym pass is the first thing in my wallet and it has had to stay in there for awhile. My daily workout was just getting out of bed and being able to make it to the bus stop for awhile. However, I am proud to say that things are better...hence I have the energy to write.
I have realized ever more so that I love working out! I miss it so much and have built up a massive desire of wanting to go the gym. I went to the gym on saturday and I had an amazing time! I was very proud of myself. I also realized that I have an enormously strong network of support that on days when I am truly weak that I have help. I have also learned how to ask for help when I need it. Something that I'm not used to doing, because I like being able to be entirely independent.
I also do not want cfs or my endo to define me. I have realized this long ago. I will push myself (within limits) to make sure that I enjoy my life. I have realized that there is a lot of misconceptions about getting better and how it means just focusing on healing physically. I personally refuse to stop enjoying other things that make me incredibly happy.
However, although last year was different I achieved so many successes in my life. I had the best marks I have had in university ever. I have had such fulfilling relationship and friendships. I am thankful that I now more than ever focused.
This year I am looking forward to school and to start boxing! I have stopped kickboxing due to the crazy-ass-backward styles of the coaching they had (i.e. wrist push ups) and have found an UBER cool boxing instructor who coaches women. I am ridiculous excited about starting! I just can't wait to be able to do that again. It will bring me so much satisfaction that I have been looking forward to doing. I also am going to return to weightlifting (slowly, cautiously and at my own pace).

Anyways... that is the update :)

'Whhha happened?' 

Its S.A.C or Slap.A.Celeb Time!

The post for this month is quite shocking. Lindsay Lohan you are the winner of S.A.C. #2. I probably won't slap you too hard on this one, because it might kill that one lingering calorie in your body.

Dear Lyndsay,

I don't care if you date older men or if you are a part of the celebutante empire.
I laughed my ass off in Mean Girls, which I will openly admit to watching and thinking about my time in high school. However, I think maybe after I slap you you might want to stick a nice sandwich down your throat. I found it amusing how you commented on your new 'thinness' was due to plan working out and your new trainer. Silly me, what was I thinking?? I didn't need millions of dollars for a great trainer or a gym, you showed me that the best workout could be where I stick my ass on each day or known as the great 'porcelain' goddess. As a word of advice, if you are going to date Bruce Willis, I most sincerely recommend putting calories into your body as well as common sense. I will personally give you $4 bucks to rent G.I. Jane, so you could realize that you might want to pick up some iron at your 'gym' and not the toilet lid so you can beef up a little. Lyndsay your potential bf's ex wife is one 'FIT BITCH' and I will endorse any woman who can do as many sit ups and pull ups as Demi. You new look makes me sick, you were quite healthy looking before. You were a great role model to other young women who has a volumptous/curvy figure. Looks like Hollywood sucked the intelligence and common sense right out of you. Give Paris the fucking finger and go and eat a bowl of oatmeal.

Good luck,
Midge

Fat-Kins Diet

I just ruined this website by adding a mulletlicious guy (ha/jk) and now I'm going to add some "BITCH" back into fit. Check this out,

"What did you say about my mullet past?" 

Mullet Hottie to Ninja Warrior

I have a horrible confession that most of you are completely unaware of unless you knew me when I was about 10 years old. I have a past 'crush' on Elvis Stojko. *I can hear you snickering* Anyways, Elvis has resurfaced in MILTON of all places. Hmmm... can you imagine if he showed up at the peak of my obession? Now, for those of you who had those shitty teeny booper magazines, my crush on him was for his skating ability only! I was never consumed by anything else other than how he presented himself on the ice. I found this article in the Milton Champion.. Please check it out! Anyways, a ninja on skates is pretty cool right?

http://www.haltonsearch.com/hr/mcc/sports/story/2796180p-3237150c.htm