Fit Bitch

sick of being sick and tired...

2006-03-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

Even though I have been unwell for 3 years now, I am trying to learn something from it all. I refuse to be in the worst situation and not come out on top of it. I have days where I am strong and where I feel as if I can take on another day of unexpected challenges. Then there are days like today, where I'm fed up and just really have had enough of being sick. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I try to have some existential comfort that I'm going through this for a reason.
I have been pondering with that realization for days. Do we as people at a certain tipping point start to aborb that 'self-help mantra' bullshit? I wonder if we as humans are just unable to accept that crap happens and that life is not fair. Or do the strong ones cope with injesting psychological hopeful babble? I know that a lot of my will to get better and to continue to have 'hope' that I will recover comes from personal character. I refuse to believe that this is 'it' for me.
I am deeply replused by how many health care professionals tell me that me being sick will help me become a 'better and more sympathetic mom'. Those comments baffle me. You would think that one could try to obtain a more constructive hopeful uttering to a sick person. Nothing makes me more replused at the idea of recovering from CFS and then happily being able to clean a shitty diaper and be more sympathetic about how 'Timmy scraped his knee'. When I get better, breeding will not be the first thing on my mind. I hope that if I ever get into healthcare, I will be able to tell other young women.... things like 'you being sick will help you create better health care policy'... Or - 'you will be the next trailblazer to help propel the CFS movement into the public'.
I can make one promise about this 'experience', is that I refuse to let it make me the forever 'sick gurl'. I hate that label. Yet at the same time I have to wear that name tag, because I am sick. I am sick, but I can't let that get into my head to much. I have to remain optimistic that I will get better. I focus a lot on visions of myself. I have a vision lately of me sitting on a dock with a laptop doing my work. I dream of running a 5k race and wearing a shirt that says 'I have CFS and I can do it'.
My counselor was worried that perhaps using 'fighter or fighting terminology' might not be of constructive use. I personally think its a great analogy. Every day I am a fighter. I fight a different fight. Some days its to remain optimistic and go for a round of 24hrs of battling aches, pain and tiredness. Other days its to accept that I have to work at reducing negative habits. I like to envision fighters, because of the fact that a fighter is always in training waiting for that victorious fight. This vision of a fighter is important to me.... and because fighters are cute like Rich Franklin, George St. Pierre etc.... :)
I also seek a lot of solace in my dreams. My dreams are vivid, wild, adventurious and crazy. I love the fact that no matter how tough it gets in this world, I can turn off the lights and be absorbed in another world where I am not sick. Dreams help, because I cannot remember being well. I have no recollection of what it was like.... and this scares me. But - upon this realization today I know that tonight I can go to bed and curl up and I am a strong woman running with my old self. I am a new person but am nightly reunited with my old self. She is still there... when those dreams stop thats when I will worry.
I am also going to get a tattoo this month. I am getting 'hope' tattooed on my right wrist. This has been an important word that I have been using every day. It means so much to me this word. No matter how tough things get I shed a few tears and go back to hoping some more. Originally I was thinking about getting 'strength', but then I realized that with this journey you do not need 'strength' you just need hope. At my final sessions of management classes this word was uttered among all of us that 'hope is necessary'.
Love has also been an invaluable asset to getting well. I am showered with constant love from A-dog. He is my best friend and boyfriend. I have never met a more nice or kind person. His patience is something that even I wonder if its humanly possible to be that consistently patient. He makes me laugh in even the most difficult and demoralizing situations that CFS has put me in. He has shown me the importance of love and laughter. I often wonder how I would be in his shoes dealing with a sick partner for 2 years. He loves me with my illnesses. So - no matter how bad things get he is always there for me. I also like how he tells it like it is...plus the obvious factor about having a cute, intelligent and attractiver partner always helps get the blood flowing :)
This summer I will be unable to work. But, I am trying to consider some activites that I can do to help break my day up. I am interested in growing my own flower boxes in my backyard. I'd also like to grow myself a herb garden. I am also saving up for a laptop of some kind...so I can get out of my dreary basement apartment and get outside to do some writing. (lol - this is just a dream).
But, I refuse to let CFS beat me down. I will not come out this without helping another person. This is what keeps me centered and focused...the fact that my experiences will be used to help one person. If I can do that... then I will be very happy.

take care - to well being and happiness...

bring it on bitch...

2005-09-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Finally, I can write about exercising! Oh exercise how I have missed you!! This past week has been wonderful. My body has allowed me to exercise, which has been an absolute pleasure. I am now not working out against my body, I am working out with my body. This is a very important distinction.
Saturday I headed back to boxing after weeks of couch loving. It felt nice to punch the crap out a heavy bag. FACK... I love hitting things! lol. I thought that I would die at the end of class...HOWEVER.. I survived! I loved it soooooo much! Tonight I took my first competitive class. I loved every second of it. Personally this accomplishment was huge. I feel quite priviledged that my body is capable of withstanding a two hour class at a high intensity. Its funny how I used to take that for granted. Luckily, I have an amazing instructor. Tonight we were asked why we were boxing. I said, because I want to get my aggression out and I want to hit someone. It was completely truthful. By no means am I violent person. I am more likely to be a bitchy person.. haha
Sunday, I had the pleasure to assist with Mistress Sunday with dear Dr.K and Machine. I was invited to assist in teaching squats, push ups and burpee's. It was very fun to see a whole bunch of women who were dedicated to improving their level of fitness. I also really enjoyed how the fitness training was catered to all different activity levels and how the equipment used could be bought and made on a low income. I really enjoyed how these exercises were accessible and adaptable to lifestyle and skill. The best part by far for me was pushing my first car! Pls enjoy.
I am back to fueling my body with good foods and treating it well.

Gnight

Help found

2005-09-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

This week was a phenomenal week. A huge weight was lifted off my chest...it was only then that I realized that I had been carrying it around. I often think things happen for a reason. For instance, had I not had coffee with a family friend by accident, I would never have been given a source who could point me in the right direction of receiving some help.
My first appointment was met with some nerves...I am not too sure if that was because of me going with my mom or whether I was apprehensive about what would go on. I tend to arm myself with a pad of paper, a good ear and an invisible shield each time I go to appointments. Appointments go well if I don't cry during or after. For some reason, when I explain what I went through with endo and cfs that seems to make tears surface. I have worked towards just telling them and not thinking too much about it. If I don't cry, I feel quite proud. I don't know whether or not that is a good thing or a bad thing. However, this was my first appointment that I didn't cry during.
This was my first appointment with a naturopath. Years ago, I was an over trusting twit about medicine and would have listened to the doctor as if they were giving advice on how to find the holy grail. Now, after been turned away, poked, prodded and now better educated about the biomedical situation, I have a better understanding of the 'healing process'. The appointment seemed to peel of layers of uncertainty and made me believe that I can truly get better with her help. This naturopath works jointly with a cfs specialist doctor... they are both trained at Harvard and are involved in a lot activism for disability and cfs. These are good things. My OLD misconception about naturopaths were that they are 'alternative', quacks, and ppl who paid thirty bucks for a diploma. (*very wrong assumption*). Quite frankly, I know that I am in truly good hands.
I will be taking a class every other week taught by my naturopath and specialist that will help cfs suffers learn to cope and and do self care for themselves. Today, I stumbled across some cfs products.. and one of them was a 'Fuck Fatigue' t-shirt... maybe I should wear that for the first class. haha. I can only imagine what this group would be like. I know that since my memory is shot lately, I'll forget everyone's names in minutes. At least this is the first class that if you fall asleep in they won't get mad at you. I start on Friday. I am actually looking forward to meeting some other ppl. I think it will be very helpful!! I might make a friend who understands that late nights are a no-no.
I met a very sweet angel who runs her own supplement store. She is a patient of my naturopath and totally understoods how this process can be overwhelming. She was kind, caring and made me feel totally at ease. She was so helpful that I'm actually looking forward to going back.
So this week, its been documentation week. I've had to write everything from what I eat to how I feel. I went away this weekend with bags of my supplements and schedule. Its the beginning of a long journey. But, I know that there is an end in sight. I am starting school tomorrow. I am slightly down that this year will not be my last like my friends. However, I understand that I did the best with the situation that was presented to me. I just hope that this year is a good one. I really want to do well again and am hoping for a healthy year ahead. These two years have taught me a lot about the importance of compassion and the ability to look at people's situations... in that what doesn't meet the eye isn't the first thing you should look for.
Tomorrow, I am going to the GYM!! That's right... my Ipod mini *bicep* is packed with tunes and ready for me to hit the gym! I can't wait to hold a dumbbell, squat bar... I'm pumped!!

MIA?

2005-08-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the massive hiatus that I have been on for a couple of months. I will be re-starting fit-bitch full time in September. I have spent the summer working, studying, sleeping and hanging out. I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer with all the fun activities that I have been up to on the weekend!
I have been absent from blogging, because I haven't been able to do anything 'fit' and had no energy to waste on being a 'bitch'. The health goddess has thrown a curve in my journey from healing last year. I have been officially diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome . It hit me hard this summer. However, when you put it in perspective I am very lucky...it could be much worse. I am able to enjoy so many other factors of life, but it is now condensed. A-Dog now calls me 'sleeping beauty'. I often have wondered why I was given such a challenge right after I have recovered from my bad bout of endometriosis. Nevertheless, I was able to manage with it last year. I was able to organize the majority of my activities around it. The summer brought a challenge because of my full time job and school. I cannot complain to much, because I was still able to carry out my job. It just became extremely hard to cope with for awhile. But, being negative won't make things better. I am lucky to have something that just makes me weak and ache...plus who doesn't like extra long naps? ha
The upside to it is that it has made me put my life in a major list of priority and a not fucking worth it list. In many ways cfs is a gift that has been presented to me, because with an A-type personality I am sure that down the line I would have a burnout so it is a good skill to learn how to manage those lists now. It has also pushed me more to pursue health studies in school as a post-graduate level.
The negative side of it is that I have been wandering in circles trying to get some medical attention. I have meanwhile read every fucking readers digest, people and 1984 Time magazine...so I'm all caught up in that area. My gym pass is the first thing in my wallet and it has had to stay in there for awhile. My daily workout was just getting out of bed and being able to make it to the bus stop for awhile. However, I am proud to say that things are better...hence I have the energy to write.
I have realized ever more so that I love working out! I miss it so much and have built up a massive desire of wanting to go the gym. I went to the gym on saturday and I had an amazing time! I was very proud of myself. I also realized that I have an enormously strong network of support that on days when I am truly weak that I have help. I have also learned how to ask for help when I need it. Something that I'm not used to doing, because I like being able to be entirely independent.
I also do not want cfs or my endo to define me. I have realized this long ago. I will push myself (within limits) to make sure that I enjoy my life. I have realized that there is a lot of misconceptions about getting better and how it means just focusing on healing physically. I personally refuse to stop enjoying other things that make me incredibly happy.
However, although last year was different I achieved so many successes in my life. I had the best marks I have had in university ever. I have had such fulfilling relationship and friendships. I am thankful that I now more than ever focused.
This year I am looking forward to school and to start boxing! I have stopped kickboxing due to the crazy-ass-backward styles of the coaching they had (i.e. wrist push ups) and have found an UBER cool boxing instructor who coaches women. I am ridiculous excited about starting! I just can't wait to be able to do that again. It will bring me so much satisfaction that I have been looking forward to doing. I also am going to return to weightlifting (slowly, cautiously and at my own pace).

Anyways... that is the update :)

2005-05-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

'Whhha happened?'

Its S.A.C or Slap.A.Celeb Time!

2005-05-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

The post for this month is quite shocking. Lindsay Lohan you are the winner of S.A.C. #2. I probably won't slap you too hard on this one, because it might kill that one lingering calorie in your body.

Dear Lyndsay,

I don't care if you date older men or if you are a part of the celebutante empire.
I laughed my ass off in Mean Girls, which I will openly admit to watching and thinking about my time in high school. However, I think maybe after I slap you you might want to stick a nice sandwich down your throat. I found it amusing how you commented on your new 'thinness' was due to plan working out and your new trainer. Silly me, what was I thinking?? I didn't need millions of dollars for a great trainer or a gym, you showed me that the best workout could be where I stick my ass on each day or known as the great 'porcelain' goddess. As a word of advice, if you are going to date Bruce Willis, I most sincerely recommend putting calories into your body as well as common sense. I will personally give you $4 bucks to rent G.I. Jane, so you could realize that you might want to pick up some iron at your 'gym' and not the toilet lid so you can beef up a little. Lyndsay your potential bf's ex wife is one 'FIT BITCH' and I will endorse any woman who can do as many sit ups and pull ups as Demi. You new look makes me sick, you were quite healthy looking before. You were a great role model to other young women who has a volumptous/curvy figure. Looks like Hollywood sucked the intelligence and common sense right out of you. Give Paris the fucking finger and go and eat a bowl of oatmeal.

Good luck,
Midge

Fat-Kins Diet

2005-05-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

I just ruined this website by adding a mulletlicious guy (ha/jk) and now I'm going to add some "BITCH" back into fit. Check this out,

2005-05-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

"What did you say about my mullet past?"

Mullet Hottie to Ninja Warrior

2005-05-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have a horrible confession that most of you are completely unaware of unless you knew me when I was about 10 years old. I have a past 'crush' on Elvis Stojko. *I can hear you snickering* Anyways, Elvis has resurfaced in MILTON of all places. Hmmm... can you imagine if he showed up at the peak of my obession? Now, for those of you who had those shitty teeny booper magazines, my crush on him was for his skating ability only! I was never consumed by anything else other than how he presented himself on the ice. I found this article in the Milton Champion.. Please check it out! Anyways, a ninja on skates is pretty cool right?

http://www.haltonsearch.com/hr/mcc/sports/story/2796180p-3237150c.htm

The bitch is back

2005-05-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

I have taken a leave from posting on fit bitch. Like most people my time has been absorbed by getting back into a working mode and studying on the side. I have been used to a lack of energy, but I have still been kickboxing.
My experience with kickboxing has been an interesting one. I am delighted at the kick ass feeling I get after class finishes, however the duration of the class is painful. I have never in my life worked at such a hard intensity where the need to puke/drop has filled my entire body. I had a class a few weeks ago, where I could actually no longer see and was very dizzy. Apparently, I was beat red and then my face went white. It was very scary. I saw gray dots, then my eyes were wide open, yet I could see nothing. It was an interesting experience to feel actually blind. I say interesting now, however I was surrounded by hardcore kickboxers and I am the wobbling idiot who is going pass out. Subsequently, I am somewhat nervous about going to class now in case I have that incident happen again. However, the only thing I now experience is the urge to puke my guts out. In a way it is purely annoying yet at the same time purely pleasurable... haha sounds like s/m. haha.
Last class I had this uncontrollable urge to walk out. I enjoy my instructor and his brutal honesty, yet at the same time I feel that his misogynistic views are annoying as shit. I understand that it might be a level of education aspect or pure common sense. I have to leave my brain at the door and bring my body to exercise only. As much as women have supposedly 'progressed' by achieving the equality to fight and to be 'one of the guys' what is the reality within these atmospheres. I have noticed an interesting dichotomy within the class at time as being highly charged sexually. I have to refrain from rolling my eyes at how some women try to contain their femininity by showing up to class in highly femininized work 'attire' to explicitly show they are 'sexy professionals'. I think it is profoundly interesting, how these women are great atheletes and truly kind people... yet at times it leaves me wondering if they realize that by them wearing skimpy tops gives it an interesting aspect that they cannot see themselves purely as fighters but the need to be 'feminized fighters'. I know that competitive kickboxers wear a sports bra, however since when does cleavage help with a jab?
However, the people that are wearing the racy outfits have belts and could easily kick my ass no problem are great people it just bothers me. I just enjoy observing the actions of women to engage in activities like weight lifting and kickboxing and how they continually need to assentuate their tits. Perhaps, I am reading to much into the experience. What I find noticeably intriguing are the reactions around these women. In my gym the women's equality is continually discussed yet they continually flaunt how these women are also profoundly 'traditional' in their values.
I also am sad to say that Alfonso did not win his contender fight. That is okay. I heard Sly talking on the View saying that next year their will most likely be no more contender. I wonder if anyone else is fantasing of a female contender!! I know that I am very intrigued by the Contender. I am not a tv watcher, but I adore this show.

All is well!
keep on kickin'

Never prayed more to not puke

2005-04-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today I finally went back to kickboxing. I missed last week because of the 'beast' of a paper. Today I took a 'mental' day off and I packed a little, napped a little and read a whole lot. It was quite enjoyable. I just got home from kickboxing and showered... again I was the sweaty bitch in the class.
I was working out on the kickboxing line. I haven't been in class in a week. I felt as if I was going to die. Then the an enormous urge kicked in... I wanted to puke/I felt I needed to puke/I wondered if I could keep it down. Then as I am feeling like I was going to puke my instructor whispers' in my ear 'You've come a long way you are looking great'. I smile... then I wonder if doing well is about looking like I was going to die. I am near the exit door thankfully I think to myself. I won't have any embarassment going outside to spew.
So, the class finished and my hands are scraped and so are my knees. I look disgusting, red faced and sweaty. I was quite proud of myself. My instructor talked to me after class about big quads. It was nice to have someone else to talk to about quad anxiety. Oh, well... honestly I like my quads. At times buying pants can be fucking difficult. But, how many people can say that there quads are developped because of sports?
I also want to extend a huge thank you to A-DOG!!! I know that you read my blog. I just want you to know how truly thankful I am for all your help with my upcoming move! You are truly the most patient person with me when I can be an enormous pack rat. I love you so much and you are such a big help! I owe you big time!! :)

I'm D-O-N-E ... well for at least 9 days!

2005-04-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

I handed in my final paper last night!! YAY!!! I'M DONE!! I have been slaving away on the 'beast' as I call it for over two weeks. It has been a long and draining experience. I am a big perfectionist and I needed to put bascially my mind, body and soul into that paper. Its worth a big chunk of my mark! So... this week has not been so good working out wise. Oh well. Its one freaking week. I'm not caring!
I have been quite tired this week. Stilling at my desk made me morph into my chair. Being sedentary for too long makes you become 'one' with your desk and your chair. I'm very happy this weekend to be getting back into the gym and making 'real' meal choices. Apparently, cereal, veggie dogs and PB sandwhiches are not classified as 'real meals'.... Anyways the student life this week has made me feel a little bit gross....
This weekend I'm really looking forward to getting outside! YAY!! Even though its 'warm' out it still feels quite cool to me, because I'm cold freak. However, it is 'warmer' meaning that my heater only is turned on periodically in my room.
I am looking forward to going to work fulltime now. Hahah. I never leave my school, because its also where I work. Its funny because I go to school to work, and home to do correspondence. Anyways, I find that working puts me into a really good momentum of gym life. I have to get back to kickboxing so I can get beat up silly! It is going to be difficult I think to balance a full work load and 1 part time course. I'm really going to keep at it... eat well... go to bed EARLY! No napping 4 times a day is going to be a MAJOR adjustment. I might go into work early 8 am to work until about 3 or 4 so I can come home and rest for a few hours before boxing and study times....
BTW I am MOVING IN 8 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO EXCITED!! If you want to talk about MENTAL health I'm f*&$%#@ pumped! My roomate now is great. But, I'm excited to LIVE ON MY OWN SANS PUSSY CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd love to have a great 'apartment' warming party...... however....... my apartment is a little small. So, its gonna be a 1 at time kinda deal! haha... my living room is a 'couchroom' not really a room just a couch! haha... anyways, I will make it my new nap spot!

SO YAY! GREAT WEATHER........ AND I'M going to my dad's this weekend because he is moving OUT!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!! SO excited for him and his dear 'ladyfriend' as my dad likes to say! I can't wait.. because someone will be able to monitor his 'healthy' habits. hehe... I can't wait to see his abs though this summer. He bought an 'AB REVOLUTIONIZER' .... [hahahah MUAHAHHAHAHAHH please feel free to laugh.... he was suckered into an infomercial]. Oh well, whatever gets anyone started again into fitness should be applauded. It could have been worse it could have been a sparkling tank top and richard simmons [thank god it wasn't] or tommy little [hahahah]... anyways I'm glad that what got me back into kickboxing was watching men hit eachother. Go figure...

CIAO

2005-04-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

'My tummy is so fat' - Carmen

Where is the bitch in fit?

2005-04-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

SLAP.A.CELEB or S.A.C

Welcome to my new monthly post that I will be calling Slap a celeb or SAC. I figured that there is just too much 'fit' in the fit bitch blog and that I needed to bring out the 'bitch' once and awhile. Since it is wonderful essay/exam time like most students I find myself procrastinating. So, I found this article and for some reason it made me want to S.A.C. My first S.A.C. contestant is Carmen Electra... hmm she needs a S.A.C. Here is the article...

Carmen Electra's body hate
Bang- Carmen Electra hates her body and claims she can't make her stomach flat enough. The former 'baywatch' babe says, although she eats healthily and exercises three times a week, she sometimes feels so disgusted with her body she won't let her husband touch her......"I look in the mirror and pick out my flaws. I hate my stomach. It's impossible to get it flat, and the area around my belly button drives me crazy....

I have posted a picture of Carmen. I know that she was an ex-Baywatch lady etc.. which makes me want to also puke for someone getting paid to run around in a bikini. Wait, that was also my summer job being a lifeguard for years... so I can't say anything there.

What I do want to say is Carmen you need a slap!

DEAR Carmen,
I have posted a picture of the 'oh so fat' you. I just wanted to tell you that the only thing inflated on your body is your pity that you seem to pump yourself with and now have permiated the media with as well. Carmen pick up your portfolio have a nice little sit down with it and realize that you better um... be a little quiet about your stomach. No one thinks its fat other than you. Please go and do a BMI check and realize that you are no where near the line of 'fat' but rather phat looking.

Here's a S.A.C.!!
sincerely,
Fit Bitch

p.s. if you do it again.. I'm gonna double S.A.C. you

Please feel free to add any other self-loathing celebs. Please do not put Kristy Alley on my site. I can't stand rich celebs who bitch. I'm sure it must suck to have pre-made meals, chefs, trainers etc. How about you try being on a student budget while balancing a part time job, school and working out. I'm sure you'd love to try the menu a la studente. Carmen.. any time I'd be more than willing to swap my poor student life for a day of being self pity you. I did like your reality show though and I can say that I enjoyed watching it. You never seemed to project such self-hatred before..... I hope this S.A.C. helps you realize that most of the overweight North American citizens don' care.

Tired...

2005-04-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

I am just sipping on my new invention... vanilla soya milk + udo's oil [for my essential EFA's] + frozen berries = mmm mmmm good smoothie. I put it all in the blender and bam.. its pretty tasty! Next time I'm gonna add some Nectar protein powder or vanilla protein powder. Mmmm this kind of tastes like ice cream for some reason.
I just got home awhile ago from kickboxing and just showered. I know for a fact that tomorrow I am going to be sore... very very sore. Today we did about two hundred lunges....

Anyways, that is it for the update. I'm glad I dragged my tired ass to class. I feel better now. I will definately sleep like a baby...

Question for people who read my blog.... or if no one does... why do you work out? Seriously... why do you? I just wanted to know...

ciao

If you are gonna spew...spew into this...

2005-04-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

I'm awake. I have made myself get up out of bed. I went to bed at 11 pm. I woke up today at 9:30 am and was still feeling zombie like. I suppose it is a nice cocktail mix of CFS and ass kicking. Last night I did a class with a new instructor. Well, lets just say that at numerous times I felt I could not go on, puking and waves of dead tiredness. This instructor was so hard core! Yet, I found myself happily smiling. To be honest, I love ass kickings and doing that. It kind of reminds me of cheerleading practices. However, this class had to be the hardest thing that I have ever done in my LIFE....oh not to mention knuckle, finger tip, and weird wrist pushups. It was pushups, and then toe to feet, pushups, planks, plank to hand, hard ab exercises....plus all the boxing drills. Yup, I was definately a sweaty sweaty bitch.
Then after class I came home and vaccumed and mopped the apartment. UGH. I know...... I am in the process of washing my uniform and thinking about going again tonight... definately not this afternoon. I'm too tired. I can't wait for this weekend's weigh in...

That's it folks... oh .......... and I emailed Alfonso. I know I'm the biggest loser. Oh well... its a better obsession than Stojko. haha

cheers

Alfonso's Webpage

2005-04-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

http://alfonsosgomez.com

Please go and look at this website! He comments on the fights. I found this week very touching. Apparently, Gomez, Ishe, and Brent all broke down crying after the fight. Gomez wrote it himself on his webpage. Very touching.... great web page! He designed it himself...

blah

2005-04-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I went over to A-Dog's house [my bf] and got all caught up on my 'Contender shows' that I missed for the past few weeks. I must admit, I am obsessed with the show in the worst way. In my past of being a 'basic' tv watcher, I did not really 'connect' with previous reality tv shows. The Contender has to be on of the best tv shows out there. It isn't just about boxers. Although I am only 22, I have trained for some sports that I have had to put my entire mind body and soul into and I seem to feel like I connect with those boxers [haha.. laugh now]. It is more than about Alfonso or Jessie adoration... its about their outlook on life. I personally don't care how great of an athlete you think you are...boxing goes beyond being in best physical shape. For instance, Anthony [i.e. the little bitch ass punk] is in great condition, however he is mentally and spiritually the biggest jerk. I think that boxing clearly exhibts that good physical condition goes beyond sweat and pain. Personally, I hope that Ishe beats that little shit to the ground.
Last week I worked, studied, studied, and wrote two exams. During that time I maintained my diet and kickboxed. I did not lose any weight at my weigh in, I stayed the same. Lol, its better than a gain! Plus, it a 'special time' now.
I went to kickboxing yesterday afternoon. It was a good class! As usual I was left in a puddle of sweat. The instructor called me 'fancy footwork'. It was a nice compliment. I was trying really hard and I seemed to have grasped yesterday's footwork. He also talked about how kickboxing is very addictive. Finally, someone knew what I was going through!! I have had this relationship with martial arts for a long time about when I'm not in it I'm longing to do it 24/7. I love weight lifting and kickboxing. I've been having a great time. My abs hurt every day though and I have scabs from the ab plank!!
So, I bought some soya milk. It was a big big step for me! I'm not a soya milk lover. I love soya food products, but drinking it does not appeal to me at all. I am trying to make the switch. I bought it yesterday. I opened it and sniffed it...then left it! Hahah. Today, I will drink it! I promise. I mean I drink skim milk and to drink Soya is clearly resorting to a boring dull life? Ugh... so sad. Oh, well I'm going to consume 1 carton and see what that does for me. A-Dog reccomended that chocolate soya milk. That does sound appealing...mmmmmm chocolate...however I have to be careful about the sugar content. So, maybe for a treat? Again pathetic! YAY CHOCOLATE SOYA MILK! AWESOME!! yah.... no
I will be kickboxing 4 times this week. I might go on Saturday.... but not too sure yet. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BTW SATURDAY IS THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING PAY PER REVIEW............

ciao

2005-04-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

Seriously, this guy has a massive sneaky image! He looks so adorable and sweet like a nice puppy.. but in the ring he can mull you! Hmm.. interesting complex! CUTE LIKE PUPPY.. FIGHT LIKE DOG? haha

2005-04-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

post-fight...

2005-04-08T12:12:00.001-07:00

fighter.. GRR

2005-04-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

gomez

2005-04-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

gomez

Kicking away..

2005-04-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

I often wonder if people read this then laugh and don't comment. haha. Well, I had an interesting night at kickboxing last night. I am very flexible and I was very warm and I over extended my leg thus making my knee throb in pain and I keeled over. It was a pretty humourous situation now that I look back at it. Oh, well. I learned my lesson that it sucks to be over flexible at times! haha
The diet and exercise is going superb. I am quite happy that my knee is feeling fine. I strapped frozen polenta role and then a block of frozen toufu to my knee. Hahah.. saved by toufu! I can't wait to go tonight. Ugh, I often wonder if anyone sweats as much as me when I workout? I honestly am just fucking dripping after kickboxing. We are talking just pouring off my head. Its so nasty. I will bring a towel.. haha [that's a funny story]. I wish that could go away!!!
To be honest I'm very happy about this. I just can't wait to be in better shape. Seriously, that would be awesome just to be in such good shape and to be perfectly content with that. My dream would be to on a female contender... haha I know I don't box.. but maybe one day right??? I know that for sure after kickboxing and when I have a 'job' I would like to start learning weapons. I would love to learn the bow or nunchucks... gotta re-start playing around with those!
Diet...check.... workouts....check! Um... just to let you know.. my kickboxing workouts = 9-10 booster points! hahaha FUCKING awesome!

Laters!

What does it mean? Making meaning of the unknown

2005-04-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

As I write this my entire body is tired. My legs, my neck and my throat aches. I'm used to this feeling. Yesterday I was given a 'preliminary' diagnosis that was almost 98% affirmative that my exhaustion that I have been suffering from for months is indeed not 'tiredness' but CFS or 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome'. They also speculate that I'm not 'sleeping' when I am 'sleeping' something about brain waves. I left the specialist office quite upset at the fact that what I thought it was actually was. The internist was very helpful and quite lovely to deal with. I need to realize that this is all a plus!
Today I got up, I studied, I kickboxed, I napped, I studied and I went for a walk. Yesterday I have to inform the parents upon my new diagnosis of aliments [ha]. Unfortunately, they are worried because this means that I will have to fight through an extreme fatigue that renders me at time helpless. However, after kickboxing and some one on one work with my trainer I felt very good. My internist yesterday discussed with me the fact that I need to limit my activity. I informed him that I would not be tired and unactive and that if I was going to be tired I was going to be happy and in shape.
Kickboxing is very important to me. Today we did some kung fu. I realized that if I concentrate on any activity martial arts is the best. It requires not only physical strength but also pure mental strength. To battle this I need to be both strong mentally and physically.
Last night after having dinner with my sweetheart and him being quite frank about how to approach this I needed to rest on it and come to my own conclusion about how to deal with this problem. Last year I spent my year in excruitating pain. This year I will spend it being tired. Personally, I have to realize that is an improvement. I realized on my walk that I will not be negative about this. I will not see the bad in this. I am strong and I am very happy that today I got out of bed and tried my very best. That is all I need to do and ask from myself. I even participated in a sport that is gruelling to the average individual. I completed it. What I have been given isn't terminal its just a syndrome that I will learn to deal with. I will accustom my life to it like my endo, but I will not spend each day getting upset. I will be happy with what little things I have done that day. I have been given a break from a serious illness such as cancer, leukemia etc. I have severe endometriosis and now chronic fatigue syndrome. I will not use this as a crutch I will work hard and I will hard with the time that I have and can.
Today, I started some CFS research. For anyone who knows me being limited to physical activity is like denying crack from a crack addict it will make me go insane. My coach today not knowing discussed the importance of proper nutrition and not eating like an addict. [it was very informative perspective]. I will need to make some alterations to my diet. I will have to eliminate all forms of processed food, sugar of all kinda, alcohol, caffiene, diet-soda, artificial sweetners, breads, wheats and even lactose it appears. However, I rarely drink or have caffiene. In other words I will eat to be better and to live. I am going to plan to see a naturalpath. I plan on doing anything I can.
Anyways, I can't get down on me. I have every day to look forward to and I have people in my life who support me and love me. I have a lot of great things going on and I will never live my life with a negative perspective ever. People who do that do not realize what they have. I do.
On a side note... ELVIS STOJKO also does Kung Fu and there was an article in the Globe and Mail about his martial arts training. SOOOOOOO look who is laughing now. He is apparently going to compete next year in November at Nationals in Kung Fu. He also seems to co-own a club in Milton. haha. I think my Elvis obsession might kick in again.. ugh.. i feel it.... hehe. Break out the mullet pics again??
This will make me stronger :)

I brought on the Easter bunny! Eat that you bunny bastard!

2005-04-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

I feel a little heroic today. I had my weigh in. I lost 0.2 lbs. It isn't super high of a loss, however it is after the week of Easter! I am so proud of myself that I lost during Easter weekend when most people would have gained! I worked hard it was a little bit difficult with two family dinners that were very yummy. Nevertheless, it is a nice push of inspiration, because that means that I am back on track baby! YAY! It honestly has given me a lot motivation for this week to continue busting my ass and getting me to work on 'habit' forming.
I woke up this morning and did some footwork skipping. Thanks to Krust's previous programs I have become over the year a really good skipper. I was at kickboxing and they were saying how skipping will make them better kickboxer's, because you improve cardio and work on staying on your toes and not putting your heal down. So, I got up this morning and just did a mini 15 min of practicing my footwork while skipping. Tonight I'm going to the gym to weight lift and do some brisk walking afterwards. However, I can really say that I think its going to be really good because I have another focus off my eating [yet I am still focused just not fixated] and can think about improving my skills in weight lifting and kickboxing!

So... hehe I fought the Easter Bunny!! BRING IT SANTA...

My body just told me to fuck off

2005-04-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

Big annoucement... I am back at KICKBOXING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After selling my kidney I could finally afford it [jk] I called my trainer today and asked when I could come in to re-sign up. He remembered me from 'Yah, I'm the girl who looks 16'. He responded 'Oh, right the short, black hair, SPUNKY girl'. Me 'Um... yah...'. Nevertheless, I signed up, paid the fee and talked the shit with my coach. As much as I feel so so so so guilty for paying money I realized that
a.) I wasn't buying clothes
b.) I wasn't buying something that I wouldn't use
c.) when I make an investment I really really do use it like my gym pass
d.) I will learn valuable defence skills that are worth thousands of dollars that could potentially save my life
e.) The health benefits from the work out will help me out years down the road
f.) FUCK IT I FINALLY GET TO FIGHT!

My coach told me about who the trainer would be for that night and how he has tons of girlfriends and all the ladies like him. I smirked and asked... 'Isn't that dangerous to be with many kickboxing women? I'd fear they would gang up and kick his ass' .I then let him know that I have a boyfriend.
Okay, so I think I left a lake worth of sweat. My face was POURING with sweat. I'm thinking why can't my hands sweat or something? Luckily this year I have grown out my hair long enough so that since I knew I would be kickboxing again that I could put it in a pony tail. I met some cool people. I need to get back into form. He said its gonna take about 3 weeks until I feel somewhat good. In the meantime I'm gonna haul some major ass in between at the gym lifting, skipping, HIIT etc.
Everyone was so nice to me and its a really encouraging environment. There is something about knowing that everyone around you can kill you or badly hurt your ass if they wished. I love that feeling and knowing that they are so happy teaching me how to do the same thing.
Funniest part of the night... ha ha ha not so funny... I realize fuck, my pants have a tear in the CROTCH. FUCK FUCK FUCK. SO I'm thinking WTF do I do? I realize holy shit... anyways I just fucking didn't care and realized that they were baggy enough.
My coach said that I'm gonna be sore tomorrow! OMG no kidding. I am almost looking forward to waking up and feeling that pain. However, I feel so happy right now. I feel so good about myself. I love being back in the gym kickboxing again. Even though I'm at square one again I don't care I have made a year investment. I have even located my new apartment close to my gym [5 min walk max].
I feel really really good.... I think that our next pope should be a kickboxer. Seriously wouldn't the world be a better place? Anyways... so so so sore... i feel it coming...

You want me to do what??

2005-03-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today was what could be called the work/study/no life marathon. I went into work then came home and had a study fest! I peeled myself away from my desk to a. ) buy carrots b.) feed cats c.) do yoga. I realized that clearly I don't really care about what I was studying and would it be helpful? Nope, so I decided to do a relaxing-yoga program with Rodney Yee. It turns out that in the world of 'relaxation' you people speak of, you are supposed to whip your legs above your head, rest on your shoulds, ass up in the air and legs on the chair, shoulders comfy on the ground. If this is hard to understand or let alone find a visual, how can this be considered relaxing? Don't get me wrong I really do like yoga, but when I think about relaxing I think about sitting on my ass and doing some deep breathing. The deep breathing was there...but I have a funny time actually letting myself relax.
To those of you who know me probably think I've got my shit together. I do most of the time. However, I spend about 95% being stressed out. I have experienced this my entire life. Parent-teacher interviews were not about what I was doing wrong, but how well I was doing and the worry that I would have an ulcer by the age of 25 had I not learned to not worry or stress out.
Laying there tonight in the pretzel position, I realized that even doing deep breathing and letting my body relax was so difficult. I could feel my body resisting to relax and the desire of it to keep tense. I couldn't believe this. I have never isolated my body to the feeling that it was resisting to relax. I often wonder what it would be like to be stress-free and not to worry. I have learned that stress has a negative impact on your body. [duh?]
I had a class last semester where I met a very kind woman who also experienced similar endo issues. She questioned me and looked me in the eye and asked if I had a lot of trauma in my life recently and kept it all down in my stomach? I know that there are many interpretations to health and illness, but I wondered at that moment if we do not deal with issues that bother ourselves, where does the stress, anger, frustration end up? I think that it is quite powerful and quite important to analyze why we get sick? Where do we center a lot of that emotional stress?
I can tell you that I love my life and the people in it. However, I have never learned to relax. I realize that relaxation isn't something that is 'natural' but something that is learned as a coping mechanism. Under pressure I tend to overwork hard or to sleep. My mind seems at times unable to shut off as I lay at night. My sweetheart who is the most supportive and relaxing person I know to be around is often puzzled by my inability to stop caring, stop worrying, stop thinking. I seem to have the personality that is drawn to either help people or worry about others all the time.
I know that there have been some events in my life that made me react emotionally closed and quite angry. I do deny that at all. However, I do wonder if my illness is a matter of that I do not cope well with stress and in turn bottle it up. Instead of dealing with stress I cope with pain. I am taking a course on interpretations of health and illness right now and it has made me become aware of how health is interpreted.
This year I am proud to say has been a year of physical and emotional recovery. I worked hard to understand, change and heal. It hasn't been an easy journey. However, in the end I am glad that I got sick. As odd as it sounds I might not have ever been able to re-evaluate numerous things in my life about how I want my life to affect my health. I never realized how interwoven lifestyles and health are. Who cares that I exercised and ate well? I never lived well, in the sense that I didn't cope well with stress. I get angry with my illness and its symptoms that affect me, however I needed to physically become aware of my own physical limitations.
To sum up an important aspect of losing weight and beginning a 'healthy' lifestyle is that it is equally about mental health....

well.. stick a fork in me i'm done...

2005-03-29T19:58:00.000-08:00

lucia rijker folks! She is GORGEOUS pound for pound beauty and KICK ass symmetry.. plus she can kick my ass because of her training. AHEM cardio bunnies.. can you accomplish anything from your cardio??? "PUNCH, KICK, LIFT, AHEM I've finally found my religion' - fitbitch [aka midge]

Missed iron like a mofo

2005-03-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

Today I ventured back into the weight room that I have been putting on leave for a bit to join the cardio bunnies. I am going to be joining kickboxing in a few weeks and wanted to build up some stamina before I get my ass kicked. Today I ventured in and felt the stares of 'who is that?' anyways I know those stares and I hated them. I had to wait for the fucking squat cage. I'm going to write a letter to goodlife managment asking for another one. Seriously, why are there always waits.. and yes I will go up to guy and say 'I'm using it next' to make sure that he doesn't spend hours fixing himself before his next lift.
Today I observed the amount of strength that I have lost. My body was screaming a few screams that I had not heard in awhile. However, it was nice to be back. When you leave some exercises for awhile and go back your realize 'oh, right today my ass hurts b.c. i did that'. Anyways, tomorrow is a day of fun HIIT. Looking forward to feeling the puke burn! I can't wait until Thursday b.c. I get to deadlift! Anyways, I've started this 8 week program. Gonna STICK with IT! YOU HEAR IT... STICK WITH IT!
Soo... recovery is important? Last night my chronic fatigue kicked my ass and made me go to bed! Lol, you do realize that I was the child who hated naps and had to be chased to go to bed. Now, I am a walking zombie straight to my bed. I came home last night talked on the phone then went 'hm.. I'll take a nap'. That nap turned into sleeping from about 7:30 -8pm to 10 pm waking up and feeling almost drunk tied that I couldn't stand [odd feeling] then going back to bed and waking up at 8 am the next morning. I could hardly even get myself out of bed at 8 am!! I felt so lazy, sluggish and horrible. I just want a definite answer on WTF is going on. However, patience is a virtue next week I'll get some type of idea. However, sleep rocks either way.. but it is annoying when I can't control what it does to my body!

YAY! diet maintained! grocery shopped! Studied! Made my room neat for the morning! WOW.. I feel slightly perfectionist...
STUDY/GYM hibernation BEGINS!!!!!!!

Bunny of guilt

2005-03-28T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am looking forward to a good week of maintaining points, working out and eating properly. I just woke up from a nap. I fell asleep at seven and slept for three hours. My fatigue today seems to be unbearable and feels like it has envelopped my entire body later this afternoon. I studied some massive zzzz's is all I can say. I'm sure that my body is quite tired and needs to recover from an awesome weekend of family and good food.
I am going to be waking up early tomorrow to start studying and am going to go for a walk first thing in the morning. I am going to make something in the slow cooker maybe! MMMM ... slow cooker!

Perspectivo

2005-03-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

I have an addiction....Oxygen Fitness magazines!! I am sure that many people do not know this about me. I have not missed an issue in over two years [I think]. I even bought a magazine stand for them and they are all perfectly organized. I adore this magazine. I pour myself into it like its crack. They have changed editors in the past year. At first I was a little peeved, because I felt that it was getting fluffyish. However, last night they had a section on olympic lifting. It was pretty cool. First magazine that I have ever seen a woman lifting about 130-140lbs! I thought that was pretty FUCKING cool! The woman was doing deadlifts and hang cleans....finally SOMEONE who is willing to write and take pictures of real women doing real shit. Finally the pink weights have been tossed away... finally someone is getting a hold of the new crack... weight lifting. WAY to go Oxygen! As well, they also had a success story written about an older woman who is a powerlifter. Very cool... She is about as old as my mom I would say. Nevertheless, what an inspiration. Maybe one day my grandchildren won't be savouring knot-buns that my grandma made, but instead they will be lifting barbells.
Anyways, for most fitness lovers. I am a lover as of now.. not really looking like I do any fitness! lol... BUT for most of us weridos our biggest subculture day is coming up. FAME fitness is just around the corner. If you have never experienced any of this I reccomend it. The show captures all of the weightlifting subculture of fake boobs, no ass girls, men who could sell their biceps pound for pound. I went to this show two years ago and had the pleasure of seeing Maragaret Diubaldo compete in her first competition! She fucking kicked motherfuckin' ass lets just say and is now at the top of the fitness industry. However, she is unlike most fitness models she is educated, intelligent, kind, tall, brunette and real boobs. Anyways before I fall off track with this... The one in April is coming up as well as the one in June which is the big one!!! I'm sooooooooooo excited!!! I went last year with my babes and well I think he got a big shock but it was tons of fun and I loved every second of it... MY POINT????
Well, last year I went to the show sat on the side of the stage and thought again 'I want to do that'. So, I spent the majority of the summer/year busting my ass over diet and lifting. However, it didn't work for me to drop the excess fat. I hit a plateau. It was only today that as much as I was discouraged that my fantasy of competiting had slipped away really had not. This year as the competition approaches I am in better shape mentally and physically then I was a year ago. I have in the past year dropped 10 lbs. I am also sure that my bodyfat has gone down. Even though I am not near competition bodyform at all I have made progress. I think that this term 'progress' needs to be analysed...although I am not on the stage walking around in stripper heals I've stripped down quite a few pounds already. It didn't happen over night, but it has been days of me being quite careful of my diet. Sure, I've fucked more times than I can count..but it has been a learning process of what works and what doesn't. I have learned to cook, bake, shop, measure, lift better, make goals better and more about the industry. So, in many ways I am closer to a healthier lifestyle than I was last year. I don't think many of us understand the goal process, even though something takes longer the longer and harder route brings us many more gifts than we can ever realize. Today this made me very happy. I look forward going to this competition. Even though I am not one of the girls competition I have just as much fire/drive and passion to take care of my lifestyle and to make it revolve around getting fit and presenting it as something of a role model. In no way have I fallen off track, I've just taken a different one and its gonna be a longer road. But, this works for me. I can't wait to look back at this time of the year...

2005-03-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

I have been going through other people's weight loss blogs and I all noticed that they have lists about why they want to lose weight. I have my own mental reasons...however I figured I should post my own personal reasons as to why I want o lose weight.

1. ) Summer is almost here...enough said
2.) I want to be able to fit into all my old tiny clothes
3.) I want to look good in all of my tiny clothes
4.) I want to be in better physical shape
5.) I want to look fit and athletique
6.) I want to feel good about how I look
7.) I want to have no regrets
8.) I want to lead a healthy lifestyle and something that is long term
9.) I want to lose weight and say that I did it in a healthy and safe way
10.) I dream of one day wearing a tiny workout shirt... lol
11.) I want to put my body through challenges and know that at the end of it I can do it
12.) I want to lose weight and make it long term and develop good habits
13.) When I reach my goal weight with ww I want to dress up and go out with my sweetheart
14.) I want to feel more comfortable
15.) I want to hit my goal and know that I can and will but that it is a battle with myself and food
16.) I want to lose weight so one day I can think about competiting and it will be a matter of just building muscle
17.) I want to have a great 'after' pic and will always have that picture to motivate me
18.) I want to go to my mom's wedding this summer and really really look good for all my family
19.) I want to pursue and FINISH this goal
20.) I'm worth it and worth the work

Are we having fun yet?

2005-03-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well, today was an interesting day! I calculated all my points and planned my meals for today. I'm making lunch and the phone rings. It was my dreaded old ww leader. Anyways, the conversation was cheerful. But, holy fuck did it feel good to know that I was doing the right thing at the right time...
I had a great day... points all in tact and I went to the gym and did an hour of cardio. I now take every flight of stairs, every extra long route... I secretly hope that it all adds up nicely. The hour of cardio felt like fucking forever. I just kept telling myself that hard work pays off and that it will be useful.
I realized that I have a problem. I love coffee, but it makes me so fucking sick. Today I drank 1 cup and BAM I'm now sitting in pain. Fuck, why does it make me feel that way? Coffee seems to flare up my endo pain right away! I don't understand why diet cola's don't. I seem to react really badly to caffeine... I gave up coffee for over a year because of my endo. Then a few weeks ago I had a really bad craving thinking 'oh, this time it won't hurt'. Being the fun experiential learning it does. Within those weeks I also decided at m's-bday that I would have a red bull. WELL if you have ever seen me in so much pain... So gonna work on no coffee drinking!
Tomorrow I am going to do a 'combat class'. I figure it will get me ready for some kickboxing!

On to tomorrow! Another good day!

Goodbye denial... hello reality

2005-03-20T15:58:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting the perpetual use of denial. Joining weight watchers has subsequently allowed me to analyse certain behaviors that I have when associated with food. The interesting phenomenon that I have noticed is how the use of 'tomorrow' and the use of actions in the future are used to overwrite my present bad actions. I find it puzzling as to why you know you are doing something wrong but the reference of 'Oh, I'll do it tomorrow' is so easily justifiable. I am presently learning to say 'Hmm.. I notice what you are doing. That's bad'. To be honest this is a very good thing! You might laugh at that prospect, but when you come from a family that honestly feels 'hungry all the time' the challenge not to eat all the time is challenging.
In the mean time, I have been working on other things regarding my health.... my living situation. In 42 days I will be moving out of my yuppie neighbourhood and moving down the street to a more modest neighbourhood to begin this new journey. I will be living a 5 minute walk from my kickboxing studio...that I am presently going to start in a few weeks.
My goal this week is to turn bad habits into good habits [i.e. if I feel hunger I will do something positive to add to that feeling and outwin that feeling]. WW is going well. I missed this weeks weigh in partially because of a.) guilt b.) need to do work. Last weekend I'm pretty sure I fucked up big time due to being away for the weekend.. no excuse but I learned from that situation.
I have noticed that by joining ww my attachment to weightlifting has been diminished. I looked at my arms and thought 'HOLY fuck where are my biceps? YUCK'. I have been spending to much time doing cardio in preparation for getting ready for kickboxing. However, this week I'm pulling out my old program and getting back to it. YUCK, I love weight lifting and it is my hobby and I need to get back into and stop thinking about how much I weigh/lose. Now that I have my ipod up and running it will provide a LOT of motivation!!
Things I have to do if I feel a craving ...
a.) Study
b.) Do some readings
c.) Go for a walk
d.) Go for a walk to grab a newspaper
e.) Read other blogs
f.) The water guilt.... lol go and drink many glasses of water
g.) Call my baby ... my #1 fan!
h.) Plan my other meals for the rest of the week
i.) Tidy up my room
j.) Do some laundry
k.) Do some yoga/meditation
l.) Tidy up some drawers for the move in
m.) Make a wish list for my new apartment
n.) Compile a list of things I would like to do this summer in regards to reading/activities/goals
o.) Look at kickboxing stuff

Fool to Think

2005-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

In my 6th week...

I will now dispute anyone who puts down weight watchers with a negative tone. I have lost 4.4lbs so far in 5 weeks. I am doing it in a slow and careful way. I am now able to hear my body respond if I am doing something wrong. I suppose by the 7th week I'll actually not do stuff that I am not supposed to do. Today was a very stressful day with school work etc. So, my appetite was entirely fueled around my stress... so today that was the lesson I learned. Tomorrow which starts in 5 min will be a day in which I am fully on the wagon no matter the apetite. I AM also going to kick my ass at the gym tomorrow for sure. I need to get entire control over this stress and do well this week. Saturday is my weigh in. I have had a week of birthday celebrations and my birthday is not until Thursday!
My goal for Saturday is to make it to the gym every day from now until Saturday. To stick to my points exactely no matter what my stress is. I will not get upset if I am over this week for my weigh in. I had little control during my celebrations, however tomorrow is a new day and I'm not going to look back in regret but look forward and learn from today's situation.

Off to bed...

Can you teach a dog new tricks?

2005-02-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to thank Holly and Wolverine for posting some comments. I have been getting some feedback on my posts and why I didn't post for a bit. I do need to appologize to Wolverine for not being able to talk to him for a bit and not meeting up to workout. I don't really have a valid reason other than I just got into my zone and my grove for a bit. Its been really different to have let go of my bodybuilding goals of competiting this summer. However, I am having a lot more fun with my regime. I really would still like to meet up and have someone critique my form etc. Sadly, I'm a major perfectionist!
Its now been Week 4 and 3 weeks of the weightwatchers way of life...they don't call it 'dieting', which makes sense in comparison to my old 'diet' of boring egg whites, cottage cheese etc. Who knew that simply adding more veggies and less neuroticism would help? I really didn't think that weight watchers was ever a place for me to be. I know a lot about nutrition. Clearly, knowing about it is one thing, but actually feeding your body and not being so strict is another. I can say that weight watchers is wonderful. Although the leader at times seems to be a little fake, it really helps to have a group of people who face the same issues about food daily. I think that for me the biggest thing is waiting until I'm hungry, which I think is because of how I used to eat small mini meals during the day. I also still have to manage my reaction around sugar.
I owe a big thank you to Holly who continually supports me with my meetings, odd points questions and any problems that I have. Every meeting stepping on that scale is a little scary. I can say that it is one thing to weigh yourself alone and then have the negativity begin to pour in and then to have someone with a big smile weigh you in. This has made a big difference. I used to weigh myself every day and every day it would be the same discouraging thing... my weight wasn't budging. My bodyfat was dropping...but not my weight.
It has been within the past few weeks that people have been giving me many compliments on my weight loss. I guess things are just clicking now and some people haven't seen me in a months or a month. My face has thinned down and my middle section. I think that my favorite compliment came from my oblivious landlord. I was romping around the apartment when he came to fix the taps and asked 'Kayla, have you lost a lot of weight?". So, clearly no one pressured him into saying this. I just said 'You made my day'. My other favorite one came from my sisters warrior friend who I will call her 'A'... came into the gym when I went to their gym to box...'Kayla, you look fantastic'. I guess it is those compliments that make your day. I suppose I attach so much joy to hearing those compliments, because every day I do not think I'm making any progress. hehe...
I also need to thank my sweetheart Drew. He is probably the most supportive individual. When we first started dating I was at my heaviest... [10 lbs ago!]. He never knew the 'old me'. The tiny Kayla with massive abs. However, he always thought that I was gorgeous and pretty. I remember this summer feeling quite ashamed going shopping and he held my hand and made me feel so pretty all over again. He is so supportive and I couldn't ask for any more caring support from him.
This Valentines day Andrew made a very big deal about it and got me roses, a huge red box with a heart shaped pillow...[that made me smile BIG time]. Then in the bottom of the box there was an IPOD Shuffle!! I have been dreaming about an IPOD for months, ever since the gym-thief took it [who btw I see wearing it! ugh]. However, Andrew went ABOVE and beyond with this valentines/bday purhase [feb.24]! It is gestures like that in which I realize that he is always making sure I stick to my goals and am motivated by things that 'I' like/adore.
But, I think I'm at the point where it is a little difficult like the smoker who is at the 4 week mark. I have to really listen to myself and what I'm feeling when I am hungry. I have 8 weeks left with weight watchers. However, I'm going to stay longer until I get to my goal.
My big goal is for this summer to make my goal weight and to buy a very nice dress for my mom's wedding July, 16th. I really am also very excited about that. I also have thank my mom for being very supportive with the weight watchers ordeal. Today I recieved a notice in the mail that she has signed me up for a magazine subscription. My mom has been so understanding and above and beyond amazing in understanding how I feel about my body.
I am also loving the powerlifting! Right now I love sumo squats and bench presses. My bench press is SUPER SUPER weak! But, I am having fun working at it!! Today I did an RPM spin class. The day before I also did an RPM spin class and a weights workout. Tomorrow I am going to do a weights day day #1 and 20 min of brisk walking! [which is my most favorite thing lately]. I crank up my Nelly Furtado cd!
I now love walking. I have decided to try to not take the subway/streetcar unless I really have to or if my energy levels are low. I can't wait until the SNOW melts and I can start biking again!! Last weekend I walked to Kensignton Market from my place it was an 45 min there and 45 min back. It was a great walk. Coming home I walked up casa loma stairs.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. :) Hope everyone is doing well....

Back at it again...

2005-02-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I did a little bit of a blog sabbatical. I decided that I would abandon it for a bit. However, I am back and ready to clearly document my progress. I have changed course of now 3 weeks time. I have changed my diet and my program entirely. I went though a little bit of a period of being bogged down due to non-exsistent progress. HOWEVER today it is a very VERY different story!!
I have stopped 'dieting' and changed my course of direction. I am now recieving a lot of support for my new eating habits and its PAYING big time! I am proud to say that I have lost 3 lbs in the last two and a half weeks. I have switched up my weight training program [thank you Krista:)] I am now learning how to powerlift, which I think is really really COOL! I love weight lifting again, without the stress of severe dieting! I look forward to all my meals knowing that I can now eat what I want when I'm hungry!
I have also eliminated some stress in my life by reducing my course load in order to assist with my severe fatigue and endo stuff. I am trying to have a nice balance of work/school/sleep/workouts etc without worrying about being sooo tired. I'm feeling a lot better! My birthday is also coming up and in comparison to last year I've learned a heck of a lot about myself! I'm am proud to say that I'm feeling SOOO much better in comparison to last year! I am just struggling with the large amounts of fatigue. I'm hoping that will get resolved with my new doctor!
Anyways, I'm back at it again! :) I look forward to posting!!

2005-01-18T08:58:00.001-08:00

grrr.. look its laila ali... no its kayla..

2005-01-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

de lip

So I said....hit me...

2005-01-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

Fit Bitch? Nah, I've been a Sick Bitch!

2005-01-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to post for over a week, because I got sick with the flu. It was actually pretty shitty. Nothing like feeling dizzy, chilly, nausea, pukey.... Nothing like the flu to make you thankful for not having to experience menopause yet [i.e. chills and hot fever flashes] I had to miss class which sucked. This week was the week of no gym and my diet out the window. My staples if I could eat were chicken noodle soup, toast, crackers, apple slices and ginger ale. It actually sucks being sick when you have a goal to actually 'Yah, let's go to the gym etc etc'. It was very odd not wanting to eat anything at all. I still have no desire to eat, and if I do it isn't a lot at all.
I'm looking forward to next week. I'm hoping to get back into the gym tomorrow! I'm looking forward to this week of trying to eat right and workout. Let's see how that goes! I'm getting plastic surgery this week.......... on my lip! HAHA... its just funny to say. I'm hoping that it will go well!
I've had an invite from Whitey to go to his gym and workout with him! VERY excited!! I've never had such an invite to 'pump some iron'. Hopefully, my swollen lip won't have an impact on how I feel. Btw, its because years of lifeguarding put a sun spot on my lip... which looks like 'a cute freckle' - says some people. My strength has gone OUT the window right now it feels like. I need to jack up on some protein and head back in to the gym.
ANYWAYS, I'm very excited because my birthday is in over a month. Feb. 24. I'm going to ask for my kickboxing membership back at Twin dragons. http://www.twin-dragon.com/index.htm I have been missing getting the shit worked out of me! I've been thinking about it for awhile and I'm very ready to go back. When I left they had a partner all worked out for me to spar with...... To do this shit you really have to be in the frame of mind. This isn't cardio kick shit... this is puke barf kickbox the shit out of you stuff. I love the twins. They are so encouraging and I love the nitty gritty style.
Perhaps my desire to get back in the ring has been on my mind for a few months is the fact that I have some new movies to add to my collection of fav movies. My favorite movie being 'Girlfight' can now be added to [which i want to see SOON!!] "Million Dollar Baby". I don't know about anyone else...but watching movies about someone training for a sport from stratch has to be the best thing in the world. Girlfight is an amazing movie.... its nitty gritty and it captures the whole aspect of female boxing. There is another book called 'The Boxers Heart' for anyone who loves boxing stuff. Well, that is my countdown. I think that I am going to have to broadcast this desire pretty soon. I'm finally able to dedicate time and am in better health to get back into it.
Anyways, looking forward to getting back in the gym and back eating real food. Sick sucks. Luckily though I was taken care of by Andrew.... who waited on me hand and foot.

Happy Training...

2005-01-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

the yayas

2005-01-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

Since I'm not an all star with the blogger I just wrote an entry and then it got deleted. Hmm... well today was the awaited 'cheat day'!!! It sounds so exciting and so daring... however it proved not to be as exciting as it used to be. I have realized how my body now responds differently to foods. I no longer find 'cheat' foods as enticing as before. For breakfast I had my same oats and blueberries with some cottage cheese. My cheat was my dinner. I had some spinach quiche with a nice salad, an orange and some chocolate. The chocolate was not so 'fantastic' as it used to be. I realized that I find it not to taste as good as it used to.
I learned this weekend from the 'cheat' is that as much as I think the normal week at times can be challenging, because of the calculation involved I otherwise enjoy the acutal healthy eating process as shocking as it sounds. I think that it is really interesting to note how your body feels and responds so differently to food.
My gym is currently undergoing some 'construction' and I have just realized how much I enjoy using the mirror to correct form etc. I really hope that they speed up this long process, because its now become a fight for space with the 1 mirror that is now up. You would think that they would at least put temporary mirrors up for people who want to make sure that they were doing the right thing. I can only imagine a timid newbie after new years having no clue about what they were doing and having no mirrors for assistance. Scary....
My goal this week is to take all my vitamins and to drink lots of acqua. It can happen....grr... its funny how such a basic chore at times is so quickly forgotten. Well, thats the goal...
I'm posting a lovely pic of my girlfriends from xmas... I thought that it was a fantastic pic:)

Tuna Seduction....

2005-01-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

Tuna. Hmm.. what to say about tuna? I've called this post "Tuna Seduction". Clearly there is nothing nice about tuna.

Why Tuna is Like your Ex boyfriend..

1.) Its cheap
2.) Its stinks
3.) You are left with trash afterwards from it
4.) You hate it, but go back to it because you just want to see 'maybe this time I'll like it'
5.) It doesn't take long to get ready
6.) Its looks a lot better on the outside than what is inside

However, tonight I faced the fact that I am going to like tuna whether or not I like too. I figure that no matter where I am I can always find a can and crack it open. So, tonight I made a nice little recipe. I guess thats the mom in me... haha...

I'm calling this Sassy Tuna
-1 can of tuna
-2 slices of red onion
-3 mushrooms
-1 cup of loose leaf lettuce
-3 cherry tomates
-1 tsb of flax
-3 tsb of balsamic vinegar
-1 pinch of pepper

1.) This sounds gross... but it actually works to get rid of the 'fishy' taste that makes you want to vomit in your mouth. Boil water and then add the tuna to it. Let it boil for about 2 minutes. Then drain the water
2.) Cut up the mushrooms and the onion on a frying pan. Spray. Then add the tuna and saute. Add pepper...
3.) Add balsamic vinegar and flax seed oil
4.) EAT!

I'm actually pretty proud of myself for this recipe creation. I need to mixing up my lean protein. This is perfect, because it is also on the 'student budget'. It was actually good. I'm tempted to try the canned salmon maybe...

However, the other night Drew made me a wonderful piece of chicken and we both had a nice meal of grilled chicken and salads. Our dessert was oatmeal! Wow, couldn't have asked for a better meal that fit perfectly into my diet!

The workouts are going really well. I'm regaining my strength and its almost back to normal on everything except my squats. I'm quite pleased because if I keep up with my diet I'm hoping to see some nice gains in the weightlifting.

New Years...

2005-01-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

I guess after eating myself silly and enjoying Spain to the max it made me feel pretty gross afterwards. However, it was worth an amazing ten day break. I discovered that chocolate in the UK and Spain tastes way better than in Canada. Hopefully by knowing that it will make me never want to eat chocolate in Canada again if I get a craving for a cheat day!
I just got back from the gym. I'm feeling pretty good for having missed almost two weeks in the gym. My strength on my deadlifts was superb bar + 35 each side + 5 lbs each side on the last two sets. So, I'm thinking that if I can do that after two weeks of not training that my strength can only increase. I bought some workout clothes for the gym!! It was nice to look like a non-slob and non-ex-cheerleader for once in the gym. Not that I care, but my gym clothes needed a little bit of a facelift.
Lately I'm all about salads. I'm feeling sick today with a sore throat. Last night it was a fever. Anyways, I'm assuming its from adjusting back to the cold Canadian weather. When I got home I received a nice cookbook from kristy who I met on my bodybuilding forum. I'm very excited to try out the recipes. I'm hoping to add some pleasant variety to my workouts.

Todays meals:

Meal #1:
-0.3 cupLow fat cottage cheese
-0.3 cup Vanilla Yogurt
-1/2 Apple
-1 tbs of unroasted sunflower seeds

Meal #2:
-175 grams of egg whites
-0.3 cup of spinach
-1 tbs of parmasean cheese [abve to make a nice omelette]
-0.5 cup of oats
-0.5 cup of blueberries

Meal #3:
-Protein shake

Meal #4:
-1 cup of lettuce
-6 cherry tomatoes
-6 slices of cucumber
-1 tsp of flax seed oil
-1 tsp of balsamic vinegar
-5 egg whites
-2 yolks

Meal #5:
I haven't made this yet... I'm thinking a can of tuna and a salad with dessert being a protein shake mixed with some metamucil... oh yah...

Looking forward to my new program that is coming from Krista soon!

2005-01-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

last summer pic of uber fit

2005-01-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

zee gloves

2005-01-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

Day #1: Of my blog quest....

Well, I have wanted to write a blog for sometime as a journal format. However, my journal won't be in a Nancy Drew type of way, rather it will discuss my journey towards fitness and one day to hopefully compete in a bodybuilding competition. I'd like to track my progress, frustrations, up-downs, etc as a way to remember and to see my progress. Hmmm... in other words great thing to do instead of the work I should be doing! haha...